BLACK GOLD: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

What a relief! I have been racking my brain about what sort of Christmas gift to buy for a brother-in-law who has yet to produce any ideas or preferences, and I now have my idea! Given the recent falling futures and value for coal, that ubiquitous hard black stuff everyone says can be burned as fuel (yah right!) is now quite inexpensive. A few dollars can now get you a whole heap of this stuff.

Talk about versatile AND cost effective gift! You’d be hard pressed to find anything that can do more for you than good ‘ole Coal. Here are the Top Ten reasons why coal might be the gift for YOU this Christmas.

#10. A load in the back of your pickup will add lots of traction in inclement weather.

#9. Rub it over one eyelid to get lots of sympathy from the ladies.

#8. Put it in bags, and you have near-infinite possibilities and variability for weight lifting.

#7. Strategically placed lumps in your shirt will have people gawking over your killer “six pack” abs.

#6. You can spend literally hours at a time trying to figure out how to make it burn

#5. It is ready ammo that you can ricochet off of the neighborhood dogs’ noggins on your early morning jog/snowshoe trek.

#4. Initial testing indicates that this is a bad idea. Forget it.

#3. Rub it on your face and I have 2 words for you; Instant Tan!

#2. Whereas: 1) We are made of carbon, 2) We eat plants, 3) Plants are made of carbon, 4) Coal is made from plants...
Therefore: It’s safe to eat!

#1. The giver of this great gift won’t have to put up with all that annoying fake enthusiasm and gratitude from the receiver. Guaranteed!